The 12 Dangers of Christmas
We all know Christmas as a time for peace, love, and joy. Where the festivities of the holidays can cure some of the most depressing realities of life. But even though it brings about a calmness in the air, you should still be vigilant in watching for the dangers this time of the year brings. Each one of these hazards are very real and need to be treated as such. So take note and be careful of the 12 Dangers of Christmas.
Reindeer Hit & Run on Your Grandmother
Always make sure your grandmother isn’t left to travel home on her own. Each time this year, hundreds of grandmothers will become injured in what is known as a “Hit & Rundeer” incident. This may result in amnesia for your dear grandma and the possibility of a corrupt real estate agent using her for nefarious purposes.
Accidental Santa-Slaughter
If you happen to hear the footsteps of jolly Saint Nick on your roof, do not investigate. He is doing his job and any distractions may lead to his untimely demise. If this happens, you are legally responsible for all future Christmas deliveries along with any additional contractual clauses.
Krampus Kidnapping
Beware of a horned demon carrying a wriggling sack, especially if you are a child who has been quite naughty over the past year. This creature will break into any home if he senses misbehaving children and take them away. Millions of bad kids have been lost over the centuries thanks to this fiend, though some say he has done humanity a favor.
Misunderstandings and Being Swatted
We all may expect a holiday bonus each year, but some of us might accidentally trigger a series of events that lead to your boss being hand delivered to your home and a SWAT team becoming involved. If this occurs, simply explain the situation and maybe your boss will change his ways. Or you’ll be stuck with this month’s special jelly assortment.
Coming Home to a Boobytrapped House
For those bad parents who leave your kid at home, don’t be surprised to find they’ve set up numerous traps in your absence. They might have a good reason, such as trying to catch a couple of inept bandits. However, being the awful parent you are, you won’t have a good reason for your negligence.
Being Haunted by Three Specters
Each year at least one person will be visited by a trio of ghosts who will teach them the true meaning of Christmas. If that by chance is you, follow their instructions and you’ll be fine. Otherwise you might become lost to time and space, dealing with all sorts of humbugs, puppets, and regrets.
Halloween Mix-Up
Everyone knows the holidays of the year exist in their own parallel universes, but sometimes one will bleed into another. With their existence so close together, Halloween might invade Christmas out of curiosity. If you receive toys that have the ability to maim or even kill you, throw them out immediately.
Christmas Party Overrun by Terrorists
It happens to everyone; you just arrived at a holiday party in a swanky skyscraper only for it to be overrun by a group of terrorists. Generally there will be an off duty cop in the area to save the day, but if not, you'll need to take action. On the bright side, this might give you that franchise opportunity you were hoping for.
Thing in Green Wrecks Your Evening
A creature commonly referred to as a Grinch will often disguise itself as the jolly man himself to ransack houses instead of leaving gifts. Always be sure to leave out your Security Daughter so she might catch it in the act. That way her innocence will rub off, leaving it with guilt so it may fox the damage it has done.
After Midnight Snacking and Bathing
If your father has given you a mogwai as an early gift, always read the instructions thoroughly. Any user error of this product will result in harm to you, your family, and possibly the town itself. And don’t get me started on what might happen if you do the same thing again.
Shooting An Eye Out
Years ago, kids wanted nothing but a BB gun to shoot at a can or their little brothers. As of today, that BB gun has been traded in for digital weapons in your game of choice. Either way, be careful while handling either of these wastes of money.
Awakening a Snow God
For anyone thinking about using that mystical hat you found, don’t do it under any circumstances. While it might enhance the look of your snowman, you will awaken an ancient snow god of unlimited power. His friendly demeanor is simply there to trick you into building more of his kind for his arctic army, which he will use to rule the world.
Have you experienced any of these 12 Dangers of Christmas? Maybe there's one we missed, so share with a comment below!
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